My life is screwed up.

I probably should have mentioned this before now, but right now I’m in the midst of a 10-day road trip, visiting friends, doing tons of swing dancing, and finding good reasons to get out of the house. It started on Friday by traveling to Pittsburgh for the PittStop Lindy Exchange with a group of Ithacans. Then, by way of a ride negotiated at 3am with a guy I didn’t know, I got myself to Washington, DC. Right now I’m staying with a friend of mine from high school, going out, seeing sights, and dancing a lot.

Road trips are always learning experiences, so I expected that, to an extent. But right now, I feel like the focus is not nearly enough on what’s happening to me right now, in the tangible world in front of me, and far too much on events and problems elsewhere.

First of all, I found out last night that Wownet closed unexpectedly. Wownet has been far more than just the place I went to dance in Ithaca. It’s been the primary source of my social life. Other than work, dancing is what I do with myself these days, and Wownet has been key to that. I spend so much time away from home, and Wownet has long been probably the only thing left that still makes me feel like an Ithacan at heart. When I’m coming home from school, I’m often more excited about the prospect of coming home to Wownet than I am about coming home to my family.

Being out of town makes it feel even worse, because I feel like I’m away while my social life at home is collapsing.

But that alone, I could deal with. It’s the fact that all aspects of my life seem to be collapsing that is really affecting me. Just when I thought I was out of the woods, the ex-girlfriend situation has gotten much, much worse. Let’s just say that I gave her my very specific, pointed, and heartfelt advice. She then chose to ignore it, did exactly the opposite, and did so in the most painful way possible for me. Until now, I didn’t think of this as a nasty breakup. I do now, and I’m afraid that it’s going to pull apart our friendship, many of my other friendships, quite possibly my living arrangements, and other things. Everything is calm now, but I’m living in quiet horror of what might happen when I return to school.

In short, I feel like I’m out of town (and she’s out of the country) while my entire life at school is collapsing. It’s a horrible feeling.

So what did I do with myself today, while the rest of my life collapsed behind my back while I wasn’t looking? First, I slept in. Then I moped around for while. Then I actually got around and left. I went to the new Smithsonian museum of the American Indians. It was good to read Native Americans couching their everyday actions in sweeping moral terms. Because right now I feel like a horrible person.

After that I walked around downtown a bit, came back and got Chinese takeout. Then I went dancing. I danced like a crazy man. I had so much nervous energy that even after hours of dancing, I came back here and I was twitching while I typed. I am restless, confused, and more than a little scared for the future.

Dance and the open road. The only therapy I have left.

Posted on November 16th, 2004 by Lee
Filed under: Uncategorized