Everything on this Internet is so fancy-pants now. Web 2.0, Javascript, Ajax, Flash, it’s all crazy.

Does anyone else remember when text was text (and men were schmucks)?

Circa 1996, a friend of mine first introduced me to Joe Logon’s Foolproof Guide to Making Any Woman Your Platonic Friend. The site still stands today, virtually unaltered, in plain HTML.

NOTE: This guide examines so-called platonic friendships (that is, relationships of a purely non-sexual nature) between men and women. Specifically, it examines two closely related aspects of the platonic friendship:

1. The tendency of women to develop close friendships with their male acquaintances, thereby pre-emptively eliminating any possibility of a romantic relationship, the result of which is to remove the poor schmuck’s heart and shred it
2. The process by which attractive and otherwise eligible women, when faced by proffered declarations of romantic interest by a male acquaintance, destroy the ego and spirit of said acquaintance by declaring that they only want to be “friends.”

For the purposes of this investigation, I will assume that the women are indicating a genuine desire for a friendship-only relationship, and not employing a clumsy and transparent ruse to avoid an unwanted relationship (i.e. “blowing off,” “dissing”) — such as a man would use. Furthermore, though there may be anecdotal evidence of such techniques being used by men on women, I believe that only women are able to inflict such great emotional damage with such an innocuous phrase as, “I just want to be friends,” the result of which is such an artful and complete annihilation, leaving behind only a broken, whimpering husk, that there can be no doubt as to the cause.

Somehow, even in Middle School, I could empathize with this guy. Like, really empathize. I’m not sure why I cared so much about girls turning me down in 7th grade, but given the clear gravity of adolescence, this site was some powerful emotional therapy. Oh what a strange 12-year-old I was.

So here it is for you. I’m passing it on to the next generation. And here’s to hoping Joe doesn’t get all crazy and add “I want to be friends” podcasts/cartoon Flash rejection animations/streaming video of himself sitting at home without a date before 2016.

Posted on April 15th, 2006 by Lee
Filed under: Uncategorized